Less Advice, More Listening
One of the best documentaries I’ve seen all year is Stutz. The film, which I cannot recommend strongly enough if you’re interested in behavioral change, personal development, or mental health, was conceived and directed by Jonah Hill. It documents Hill's extended conversations with his psychiatrist Phil Stutz. There are so many gems in this film, but one of my favorites is when Hill says:
“In traditional therapy, you’re paying this person, and you save all of your problems for them, and they just listen; and your friends, who are idiots, give you advice…And you want your friends just to listen. And you want your therapist to give you advice.”
There is a lot to unpack there, but one thing it has me thinking about is how we are so quick to dole out advice to our friends that we often forget to listen when that’s often exactly what the situation requires.
Listening more is a skill I’m trying to hone in my coaching practice, and it’s definitely just that - a practice. I mean, it really takes discipline and patience not to immediately jump in with advice about what someone should do in a given situation. Why is it so hard for us to listen?
In his book The Advice Trap, Michael Bungay Stanier blames it on our tendency to want to solve, control or save a situation. Essentially, he argues, we need to tame our inner “advice monster.” Sometimes, and perhaps especially with friends, this can be challenging. It’s human nature to want to be helpful. But Bungay Stainier has some tactics to offer.
He recommends that we (1) stay curious longer (2) lean into silence and (3) ask more and tell less. In other words, instead of immediately trying to “add value” and produce solutions, why not pause first? Ask that friend or colleague another question or two, and then be prepared to sit with the discomfort (theirs and yours!) of not knowing what will come next. Sure, things might get more ambiguous or confusing for a moment but they will also likely get more honest and possibly even unlock more change in the other person as a result. Great questions can be transformative. They lead to genuine reflection, and when we do that kind of reflecting, we are forming new neural pathways in the brain, new ways to process and develop our potential and ourselves.
People who’ve been to my house on a Friday night know I will often send a question ahead of time to guests with the goal of prompting some of those new reflections. And my family will tell you I always love tossing a good question out to a group, even if it’s just in casual conversation around the dinner table. But I didn’t realize that this impulse to ask more, tell less, and hold space for whatever follows is the key to better listening overall.
We need better listening, and we need more of it. So resist the urge to let advice be the first response you offer. Get more curious, as Bungay says. Sometimes just listening can be the point.